Bipolar Disorder

This photo was taken a good few years ago when I had my bob.

“The seasons change to teach us the very inevitability of change. Our duty is to adjust our sails and flow with the current of change – adjust and learn, adapt and modify to the newness that life presents from time to time.”

Sanchita Pandey

The unknown seems to frighten me subconsciously and yet when I say it aloud it sounds strange. It seems trivial, however change has a massive effect on me and not in a good way.

Working on my mental health is tough. I do mindfulness everyday, I meditate and I exercise. No matter how much I work on my mind I still appear to get super stressed and that takes it out through panic and anxiety attacks. Plus from this restlessness I am super bored. Cannot for the life of me sit down to watch telly. Instead I’ll try to read or colour in my adult colouring book and still I’m unsettled. If anyone has any advice or recommendations please send them my way.

But anyway this is a snapshot as to what it’s like for a Bipolar person. Lots and lots of fun *heavy sarcasm*.

There’s a lot of mood swings, being up and down. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m snappy and distant. Not exactly fair on those closest to me. I get more easily agitated, need hardly any sleep or food, feel elated then to having episodes of severe depression that last from 2 weeks to 2 months. I lose interest in hobbies or even from leaving the house at all. Then there’s feeling pessimistic about everything. Being incredibly negative towards myself is a big trigger in knowing that something’s up. My experience could be different to another person with Bipolar. It’s uniquely personal.

When I’m restless I can’t keep still. I over do it with cleaning the house, going from one room to the next, going to the gym everyday, going for multiple walks a day. When I’m in this state from having very high self-esteem, I tend to notice things like not eating and losing weight and yet having all this energy.

Then the low state is incredibly the opposite. I’d stay in bed, never wanting to leave, having suicidal thoughts, acting on those thoughts. Being my own worse self with telling myself what a worthless being I am. I cry all the time. Never take an interest in anything or anyone. I binge on rubbish food and don’t exercise. These states of depression have happened once a year since 2019 and scares me with not knowing when the next episode will be.

It can also be very difficult on loved ones because they’re our main support. Sometimes they’re our anchor. For me my husband is that person. He holds me together when I’m having a panic attack. He reminds when to eat, when to take my meds and encourages me to go for walks and do what’s right for my mental health. When I’m in remission I make sure to show how much I value my husband. I spoil him with treats and do things that he likes, like playing boardgames (which I happen to not really enjoy). But I do it for him.

I’ll try to remember to give an update on my new medication and hopefully, fingers-crossed, they will work.

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